confession

“Sometimes a thing gets broke, can’t be fixed.” –Kaylee, from Firefly

It’s been weeks since I wrote anything other than a blog or journal entry. The once-promising new novel manuscript is dormant. I’m not sure what happened. It just … petered out. I don’t know why. That’s what has appeared to have happened to the last two novel manuscripts I’ve tried to write.

I just don’t know what the hell is going on. I’m at a low point in self-confidence in my ability and, frankly, marketability.

It’s gotten to the point where I simply don’t know if I can write anymore. I don’t know if I can tell stories that entertain or matter. And that, frankly, is all I’ve ever wanted to do. If I can’t do that, life feels pretty pointless — at least from a “what do you want to do with your life” standpoint.

But today was a bright spot. I picked up one of the manuscripts and just started to write. I had some uninterrupted time, and managed to knock around 5,000 words out. That’s more than I’ve written in weeks. WEEKS! I’m not sure what to think of this, but I’m … let’s say I’m cautiously optimistic.

Here’s what happened today: I had uninterrupted time to write. I had NO internet. I had no TV, no DVDs, no CDs. No distractions. I had all day stretched before me, and I figured out I had a story I wanted to tell. It felt good to finally write something again. It’s been so long, I wasn’t sure I remembered how. I don’t know that I’ll remember how tomorrow.

It’s not writer’s block. It’s a crisis of confidence. I have no idea how to get past it. I wrote today. I’ll try to write tomorrow.

I can’t promise more than that.

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3 thoughts on “confession

  1. Are you working on a laptop? Turn your internet off when you do. I find writing in public helps me because I’m not tempted to get up and fiddle with anything, turn on TV, do the dishes, etc. It’ll come back to you. No worries 🙂

  2. If you wrote 5000 words in one sitting, that’s mighty impressive. Although you don’t have to write 5000 words a day to finish a novel (as I’m sure you know). So yeah, you should write tomorrow, but if you only wrote 250 words, that’s still 250 more than you had before, you know? And you can probably do 250 in about twenty minutes or so.

    I’m at a low point in self-confidence in my ability and, frankly, marketability

    I’ve been feeling like this lately too, honestly. I feel like the actual act of writing, which I enjoy, is different from the other stuff: submitting my work and getting rejections and all that mess. Unfortunately, the second part is where I get validation, which maybe I shouldn’t, but whatever. Something crap happens on that end and then something good happens and it evens out.

    I’m not really sure what I’m trying to get at here, actually… just that I empathize with what you’re going through, and I know it’ll come back to you. Especially since it did, today. And I’m sure it will tomorrow, too.

  3. Mathews. Put your big girl panties on. That’s what I tell myself, anyway. You know this shit gets messy.

    Sometimes saying that to m’self works. Most times, not. But you just did the only thing there is to do that always works. You wallowed. Then you wrote.

    And remember something you told me when I was a-bitching (and bitchin mightily, as this fcuking MS revision is STILL. NOT. DONE. gawd. *claps hand to forehead* it’s still not done.) Anyway, you said, and I quote, “If it were easy, everyone could do it. man up, Courtman.”

    Man up, Mathews. You know you can write.

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